HipZOMJoint Worst Films of 2018

There were some really bad films in 2018. Some cost their respective studios 50 million at the box office. Some made money despite being absolutely horrible. This is HipsterZOMBIEJoint’s Worst Films of 2018…in no particular order.

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom

Hey you wanna know how to stop running into dinosaurs? STOP GOING TO THEIR F’N ISLAND!! Between Marvel movies, Chris Pratt had to eat so he and Universal churned out this turd of a sequel that involved a lesser version of the Indominous Rex, a black market scheme, and a clone. Yup, suddenly The Lost World doesn’t look like the worst Jurassic Park sequel huh?

Deadpool 2

All the pieces were there. Funny jokes. Decent casting. Awesome fight scenes. However, the story was completely all of the place, lacked any urgency, and was stuffed with too many gags and not enough heart. Deadpool 2 was a the equivalent of Batman & Robin from 1997. Overstuffed and unsatisfying.

Solo: A Star Wars Story

Nostalgia is good, but when is it too much? The answer: Solo. Wonky dialogue, lame villains, and a lead who felt uncomfortable in the role made famous by Harrison Ford. You can blame some of this box office dud on the reception from the polarizing Last Jedi but only to a certain extent.

Mortal Engines

Did you know this film was coming out? No? Well it’s probably because it’s been out for a month in theaters. It’s made about as much change you have in your pockets at the box office. Something about big cities eating smaller cities and Penelope has to save the day. Oh wait… the lady with the scarf over her face isn’t Christina Ricci reprising her role as Penelope? So this movie about scarf lady saving moving cities was a bust.

Venom

This saddest thing about Tom Hardy’s Venom is that it made money. For whatever reason people liked this turd of a film. The big screen version of Venom turned the story of the possessive and murderous goo from space into Flubber. This film is so wacky and ridiculous it’s as if a 13 year old wrote the script. Terrible.

Skyscraper

Sky-hard as I like to call it isn’t just one of Dwayne Johnson’s worst movies, it might be THE worst. Like I would take Tooth Fairy over this steaming turd. Johnson’s gotta weigh what? 300 pounds maybe 285 at the smallest? And he leap frogs to the side of a building. Wouldn’t he have dropped…like a Rock? Don’t waste your time.

Fifty Shades Freed

The franchise in which the cast, director, camera crew, and every man on the planet were happy to see come to an end. Fifty Shades of Grey. A two hour nightmare men had to endure with their girlfriends or wives for three films. A kidnapping plot mixed with a lot of un-sexy sex and two actors who were only there to collect their last paycheck from this putrid trilogy.

Robin Hood

Just stop, okay Hollywood? We don’t want anymore Peter Pan or Robin Hood movies. Or King Arthur movies. We got Spider-Man or Batman movies now. I mean who was this movie for? Our grandparents? NOBODY CARES ABOUT ROBIN HOOD!

The Happytime Murders

Can we all agree at this point that Melissa McCarthy’s shine has completely worn off. This is a concept better suited as a five minute skit on Saturday Night Live. Not a full film. If you have seen the trailer, you have seen all the “funny” scenes the film has to offer.

I Feel Pretty

Amy Schumer is a one trick pony who has run out of tricks. Okay I get it, you have sex a lot blah blah blah, your awkward and curvy blah blah blah. This unfunny film is a testament to the comedian’s decline at the box office. Schumer should stick to stand ups, that way when she steals jokes it isn’t as obvious.

The First Purge

This should have been called “Let’s Kill Whitey” or “White Devil” because if you are white you are pretty much the devil in this film. This film really tries to cash in on the “Trump America Scare” but is as subtle as a jackhammer when trying to do it. By far the worst entry into the franchise.

Slender Man

Some internet stories should remain on the internet. Slender Man tries to cash in 3 years too late on the Creepypasta phenomenon. What we get is a cheap run of the mill horror film that lacks scares and much else.

Well that you have it! The suckiest films of 2018. Some were bad and other made you want to hit your head so hard you’d forget ever seeing it. Oh well, here’s to 2019!

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